


fitting

by guttersvoice



Category: Free!
Genre: AU, Dysphoria, Gen, M/M, in which haruka is a sea god cursed to live in a human shape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-06
Updated: 2013-09-06
Packaged: 2017-12-25 19:29:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/956803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/guttersvoice/pseuds/guttersvoice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are words he wants to say, but his mouth is betraying him, remaining obstinately unmoving as ever.</p>
<p>The sea is screaming at him to leave, to run and never come back here; but he’s on an island, and he’s just one boy. Where can he run?</p>
            </blockquote>





	fitting

**Author's Note:**

  * For [myothercatisaneko](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=myothercatisaneko).



> a fanfic commission for myothercatisaneko.tumblr.com
> 
> prompt: ‘Haruka is a minor ocean deity who had been cursed by a witch to have their soul cycle throughout human bodies. Either way, the ocean near Iwatobi is controlled indirectly though Haru’s emotions. When he and Mako are washed up after Rei’s rescue will Haru apologise to Mako for indirectly causing both the current storm and the one in his childhood?’

Being too far from the area of sea surrounding his home town is never a good thing, and Haruka knows that. Bad things happen to the ocean when he's too near to the wrong part, and while Haruka Nanase - the human boy who wants nothing more than to swim - doesn't really know why, there is a part of him locked deep inside that understands perfectly.

Maybe not so deep. It rages inside of him, some days, pounding desperately against his ribcage and wanting nothing more than to be free. He's considered, more than once, that it might be the reason he feels such an urgent need to swim, to become one with the water. Whatever 'it' is.

Haruka knows, logically, that it's just him, really; just another aspect of himself. But he also knows, by instinct, more than anything else, that it isn't normal. That he's different. He's no good at being human. Everything is so wrong, and so much is expected of him, even on a day-to-day basis. He feels like he's tried this before, and it might have gone better another time.

The body of a teenage boy isn't the right shape for Haruka's thoughts.

Swimming in pools is safest; he finds himself desperately needing to submerge himself in any water he sees regardless but the pool is best. It's less alive, and Haru feels separate from it, whilst retaining that strange connection to the water. He doesn't feel dangerous in a pool.

He feels dangerous in the sea.

Swimming in the ocean nearest to his house makes Haru feel like he's dissolving into it, all of his particles floating apart and becoming the sea itself. He becomes every current and eddy from the surface to the bottom. It feels like he can do anything, like that. And then he can't breathe and he has to surface and he's all too solid. He feels sick to his stomach when he has to walk on two legs, some days.

He doesn't understand it fully, only that he needs to swim. And that the sea where he lives is important to him.

Or perhaps he's important to the sea.

The last time Haruka was away from the town, there was a storm that killed several people - a storm that only ended when Haru returned, and that left Makoto terrified of the ocean. Haruka doesn't blame his friend for his fear: the ocean is huge, and terrifying, and makes Haru feel all wrong in this body.

He envies the ocean. It's free, and he is not, and he doesn't know how to be free.

This time, when Haru leaves his stretch of saltwater for a few days, it's not his hometown that's hit with a sudden storm.

He feels unwelcome the moment his skin touches the sea out here, but he shakes off the prickling, whispering feeling - he's just a guy, he tells himself. One who likes swimming more than most, but as ordinary as he's been able to keep himself. He ignores the portents, and it doesn't take long to realise that he shouldn't have. This piece of the sea doesn't want Haru or his friends here, and when he finds himself finally washed up safely on a shore, he knows he shouldn't have come here.

More importantly, he shouldn't have brought Makoto here.

He watches the angry sea, not daring to look at the other boy who washed up beside him, now that he's awake and breathing properly. Alive and safe, no thanks to Haru being here. Guilt has overcome the fear and panic he'd felt moments ago, and Haruka sits on the sand with his knees drawn up to his chest, eyes fixed on the rain and the waves.

There are words he wants to say, but his mouth is betraying him, remaining obstinately unmoving as ever.

The sea is screaming at him to leave, to run and never come back here; but he's on an island, and he's just one boy. Where can he run?

Eventually, he manages to form the words he's been grasping at.

"I'm sorry," he mumbles, finally looking up at Makoto to see the creased eyebrows and thin lips drawn tight with worry that he expected.

But Makoto's response is gentle, and kind, and exactly like the warm boy that Haruka has found himself so attached to. He grounds Haru on his worst days, and he probably doesn't even know that.

"What for? You saved me," Makoto reminds him, and though the words are soft and reassuring, there's a lump in Haru's throat, and he finds himself shaking his head insistently.

"No, I..." he frowns a little, searching for an explanation that doesn't sound impossible. There isn't one, and he realises that maybe it's time to be more open with Makoto, even if he isn't with anyone else. At least, in a way they can understand. "I shouldn't have come here. I shouldn't have let you come here."

He pauses, looks up at Makoto, who for once isn't smiling and isn't meeting Haru's eyes.

"You're still scared of the ocean, aren't you?" Haruka accuses, already knowing the answer. Makoto's bravado was just that - bravado, and he knows he should have realised earlier.

Makoto opens his mouth to deny it, but he sighs, and his shoulders slump, and he sits down on the sand next to Haruka.

Haru doesn't say anything. He doesn't know the right words to say, so instead he waits, calm and patient like the ocean outside of his window on good mornings.

"It's not your fault," Makoto begins, but Haru's reaction to those false words must have shown in his face, because he stops, eyebrows drawing together in worry. "Haru, really. I chose to--"

"No," Haru very rarely interrupts Makoto, but he can't bear to hear his friend blame himself like this. "No. I'm..no, Makoto, it's my fault. This sea - this bit of the sea, it's not --"

The words won't come out right, and he's only growing more and more frustrated at himself. He can't hear himself think over the sea's furious tirade, and Makoto is -- Makoto is waiting. Makoto is as patient as ever and waiting for Haru to find the words he's searching for even though he knows that to Haru, finding the right words can be like trying to catch fish by scooping up handfuls of water.

So Haruka needs to calm down too, like Makoto has. He takes a deep breath, and closes his eyes until he can figure out what he wants to say to explain this to his friend.

"I'm not...right," he tries eventually, and there's a comforting arm over his shoulders, pulling him close to Makoto's solid, warm chest. That's not right either; he should be the one comforting Makoto, right? He shifts closer anyway as he continues. "I'm supposed to be the sea, I think. Just a bit of it, just the bit where we live."

That doesn't make sense and he knows it, but Makoto hasn't interrupted to tell Haruka that he's stupid or delusional. He pushes onwards.

"My body's not the right one, Makoto. I don't think I'm supposed to have a body, even," he's shaking, and there's a lump in his throat, and he doesn't know where that's come from. "And this sea, it's not me, it doesn't want me here because I'm the wrong sea, I--" Haruka shakes his head, and Makoto reaches over to hold his hand. It gives Haru strength. "It's screaming at me to get out, can't you hear?"

"I can't," Makoto tells him, and there's a moment where Haruka's stomach drops, where he's sure the rejection is coming. "But I'm not water."

He understands.

Haruka can't understand it himself, but Makoto does, somehow. He's smiling at Haru like he's always known, and he's been waiting for Haruka to realise it. The tears that have been threatening to flood out of his eyes and down his face recede, and he finds that he's smiling, too. There was nothing to be scared of, after all, and he shouldn't be surprised. Makoto has always been this dependable - he's always been a rock for Haru to cling onto when he feels he's getting washed away, and it seems pretty ridiculous that he'd doubted that for even a second.

A strong hand pushes the hair out of his face, and he can feel his cheeks flushing pink. He's never felt so safe and comfortable in this body.

"Now," Makoto says, looking out at the crashing waves. "Why don't you apologise, and ask her to calm down?"

Her? Haruka understands that he means the sea, but he'd never thought of it having a gender before. He has a gender, though, he supposes. He's also never thought of speaking to the sea before, but his friend has always been a lot more sensible than him.

He nods, and Makoto helps him get to his feet.

Ankle-deep in water, it feels like she's trying to trip him up, to drag him into her depths and drown the body he's inhabiting. For the first time since he arrived here, he's frightened for himself rather than for anyone else.

"I'm sorry," he mumbles awkwardly, and there's a gasp from behind him. It occurs to him that those words hadn't been in a language, and as he continues, the sounds are pouring forth like a waterfall of noise, but not from his mouth. "I'll leave soon, but I'm stuck like this for now. I have to wait for the boat. Please don't hurt my friends."

There's no change visible to Haruka's eyes, but he feels her understanding more than anything, and the waves tugging at his ankles aren't furious anymore, but almost playful. She wants him to come and swim with her, now that she knows he's trapped in this human body, but he can't right now. Right now, he needs to be next to Makoto.

As he turns around, he prepares himself - Makoto is scared of the ocean, after all, and that had been overwhelming evidence that Haruka is exactly that.

But instead of fear on Makoto's face, there's something else that Haruka can't name. There's wonder, and something like a rapturous joy. It frightens Haru, a little bit. No one's ever looked at him like that, not since he's had this body.

He tells Makoto that, but his voice isn't words, it's rainwater, and the sea laughs at him - not for momentarily losing his language, but because this human always looks at Haruka like that, and he's a fool for not noticing.

Haruka flushes red, and kicks his feet awkwardly. Makoto is staring at him like he's a god.

They walk together in silence to sit under an overhanging rock, out of the rain. Haruka wants to lean into Makoto's chest and feel strong arms holding him again, but he can't decide on how, or an explanation in case Makoto asks why. Their shoulders are touching, though; Makoto is warm and anchoring. 

He feels like he should be worrying about the other two, but he knows the sea will deliver them safely, if they wait patiently.

"Haru..."

He looks up at Makoto, almost startled by him suddenly speaking.

"Thank you for being so open with me," he says. Haru bites his lip, shrugging. He wants to apologise for not talking to Makoto about this before now, but it seems pointless. It's too late now, after all. And Makoto's still talking, anyway. "I actually...I knew you were, um, different. Special." Haruka can feel the blush spreading across his face. "I thought that was just me, though. I thought it was just..."

He shakes his head, and chuckles softly.

"I thought I just had a crush on you," he confesses, and Haru sits up straight in surprise. Makoto is looking away, but his ears are red.

Haru wants to say something, about how he's wanted that for so long, that he just hasn't known how to communicate that, but his throat is dry, and Makoto isn't looking at him. So he keeps his mouth shut, and doesn't say anything.

He expects Makoto to say something else, but he doesn't - he stays quiet and doesn't meet Haruka's eyes again until Nagisa and Rei come running, shouting both of their names and startling them out of their reverie.

Later, Haruka lies about his first love, and is disappointed when Makoto doesn't say anything about it.


End file.
